What if someone was lying to you, and they perpetuated that lie over a number of years? Ten years? Twenty years? Forty years? What would you do?
What if they complained that they don’t have the relationship with you that they want, but they continually refuse to speak the truth?
What if the person that has been lying to you for all of those years was your mother?
Yup. My mom has been lying to me by omission for as long as I can remember. She has refused to speak the truth. Further, she has tried to deceive me. She does this yet complains about our relationship, and she keeps coming back to me for something. She acts as though she needs something from me. It took me a while to figure out what that could be. More on this in a moment.
It has been interesting. There has been a reversal. As she lately has been more needy of me, In the past I had felt in need of something from her. I just wanted her to speak truthfully about the past and to answer my questions about:
- Dad’s violence
- Dad’s drinking
- Dad’s treatment of her
- Dad’s treatment of me
- Who my biological father is
- Why she took eight years to leave dad
- Why after the divorce she stopped taking care of my sister and I
But she refuses to talk. Instead, she says something like, “The past is the past. Let it be. Stay in the present.” That is a cop-out. It is possible to be present while talking of the past.
Let me tell you how I got to the point of being able to release her and to release my needs from her and to just accept that she won’t change.
I am a participant in a men’s group. Once a week I get together with a handful of men from all walks of life. We talk about our lives, what is happening, what is bothering us or exciting us, and we set goals for ourselves that the others help us with achieving.
It is hard. Men are not wired to do this. It takes courage and patience with yourself to be honest and to expose your fears and flaws or just to be seen and to ask for advice and help. But it is worth the discomfort.
I have been going for over four years now, and have changed quite a bit in that time. At first, when I was uncomfortable talking in the group, I would make a lot of jokes and use humor to deflect away from attention resting on me. Over the years, trust builds, you learn to let go of certain fears or to push through them, and you can communicate on a pretty deep level.
During our last meeting, one of the guys in the group payed me a compliment after I had talked about finally wanting to change the way / acceptance of the way my mom “relates” to me. He said something like, “I am proud of you. You are finally stepping into the third dimension.” What he meant, I think, is that I was becoming real to him and to the others. I was finally dismantling all the expectations and lies placed upon me by my parents and just becoming… Me.
It was later that night when I realized what my mom needed from me. She has all these lies that she has built up around her, and she needs me to continue to abide by them, to accept them so her world can remain how she says it must be.
But, when I decided that the truth doesn’t need her to ‘bless” it, or for her to “admit” to anything, and that the truth just was/is… Then I was able to let go of needing anything from her.
She wants me to believe in her lies.
I don’t. I always had a problem with them.
But now I finally had the strength to just let her go, and I said my goodbyes to her. Because, how can we have any kind of relationship? Relationships are built on truth and trust. Over the years she swept those under the rug in her house.
I would rather live in the light of the truth without her than to continue living in the darkness of lies with her.
Hello, I must be going.